Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.