Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more