Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.