Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.