Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”