Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

¯_(ツ)_/¯

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

reviewed some movies recently

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha