Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Dear God, thank you for not giving spiders wings.
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China