The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”