You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*