@TarekJan

Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.

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@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@dulcetry

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

@BlindChow

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

@BoomBoomBetty

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

@carlyken

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

@KeetPotato

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

@BriarSly

Question: If a King runs a Kingdom…& an Emperor runs an Empire…

Who runs a country?

@Book_Krazy

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.