Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret