Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
you have three unread messages
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.