Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
🇺🇸🤭
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.