Dear Google Maps,

Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.


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TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit


I wake up every morning wishing for your happiness and banking information


I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.


Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.


Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.


*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time


When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.


People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.