My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
wtf is an acronym
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Saw your ex at the shops
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.