Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My teenage children choosing violence
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’