Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
What do you hear?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!