Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

This is my emotional support knife.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

*seductively corrects your posture*

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

😂😂😂

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?