Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
yeah not falling for this one
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.