Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Finally
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this