Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”