Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
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I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
🥴😂
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
out-housing market appears to be strong
