Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

figuring out my emotional availability:

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.