Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
At least try to make it slightly believable
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone