Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.