@gitson_shiggles

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

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@SassyChantelle

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@gvicks

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

@shanethevein

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@HenpeckedHal

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

@Glennmandirect

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

@aissalanis

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.

@Freudianscript

I just saved a bunch of money on fireworks by telling my wife to calm down.