is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.
I just saved a bunch of money on fireworks by telling my wife to calm down.
You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.