Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
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5.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”