Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

I feel it

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.