Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”