Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

this got me crying😭😭

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island