Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Gas station lines at 2 am:
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats