Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
guys I’m going home
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Best seat on the street 😍
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.