Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
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Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday