Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
i think both sides are to blame here
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
