Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
much to think about
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty