pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets