Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not