Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worth the read.

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you