Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning