Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
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an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Look at this
looks legit
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away