Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire