Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
finally
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.