Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.