Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful