Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
