Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
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Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.