Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.