Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
You Might Also Like
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.