Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.