Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.