Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Kids, do not try this at home!

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.