Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick