Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

Me too 😆

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.