Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Just so funny

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

I will never stop laughing at this

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

This dude got his own movie?

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.