Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time