Dear Lord..
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.