Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

life finds a way

Ken is short for chicken

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

Social Media and Real life

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.