Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

Talk about a bad egg

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

[eats all your cotton candy]

Growing up was a huge mistake