Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

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My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka’s tour.


*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.


I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.


HER:He doesn’t trust me.
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?


Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you


Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…


Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.


Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.