@CulturedRuffian

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

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@robfee

My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka’s tour.

@jordan_stratton

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@ObscureGent

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

@truegritrumble

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

@YourMomsucksTho

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

@mimicz

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

@AddledPixie

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

@DaddyJew

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.