My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka’s tour.
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
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*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I highly recommend anything.