Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
happy friday
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
mariah carrie
and now we wait
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.