Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Trumpy Cat

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.