Dear Lord..
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I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.