Dear Lord..
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
we’re dead?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
what do you want
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time