Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….