Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Pass gas, not judgment.