Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad we cleared that up

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

That’s easy for you to say

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.