Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
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Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
This has made my week.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*