Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.