Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.