Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?