Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

😂

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it